What is your emotional addiction?

Teaching in a classroom is like viewing a smaller, scaled down version of the world.  We see a little bit of everything.  If we take the time to truly observe student behavior without judgement or preconceived notions about what it means, we can really see a lot.  

Some children fly underneath the radar all year long, never saying a peep.  On the surface, we might think that child is so “good”.  We might think that child is well behaved, mannerly, and smart.  We might be wrong.  That child may be all of those things, or that child could be forever in a zone of quiet fear of being noticed, because in that child’s world being noticed might not be safe.

Some children are constantly in our faces, arguing, talking back, being aggressive with other students, and generally annoying everyone.  We might think that child is “bad”.  We might think that child has no manners, is rude, is a behavior problem, and lacks good guidance at home.  We might be wrong about that, too.  

All behavior is communication.  All behavior is trying to tell us something about that child that the child is unable to express for himself.  I also think that many of the behaviors we see on a regular and consistent basis are clues to what that child is addicted to.

Some children just seem to make the right choices, demonstrate kindness, and help others without even being asked by an adult. They are a rare breed, and I hope they will begin to multiply and flourish!

Every emotion that we experience creates a unique bio-chemical cocktail within our body.  The cells in our body will change and adapt in order to create receptors for bio-chemical cocktails that are frequently found in the body.  So, we quite literally, become addicted to specific emotions.  If you think about the scenarios above, what emotional cocktail might they have been addicted to?

While it may seem crazy that a child would crave being yelled at, in some ways many of them do just that.  It is not that they like being yelled at, it is more that when they are being yelled at, or shamed, or placed into fear, a bio-chemical cocktail is flooded into their system that meets the need of the craving, and there is comfort to be found in what is familiar.

Are there any sugar addicts out there?  How easy is it for you to give up all sugar?  Anyone I have ever spoken to about eliminating sugar from their diet talks about how hard it is, at least in the beginning.  And, even if they are successful it is so easy to slip right back into the sugar-shack without even realizing what happened.  

Now, imagine instead of sugar your body was craving the bio-chemical cocktail we call chaos.  A student with a chaos addiction is going to recreate chaos wherever he goes, especially if he gets dysregulated. Why?  Because it is familiar and it floods his system with something his physiology craves.  While it may seem like they are doing it consciously and with purpose, they are not. Just like my fellow chocoholics, when we reach for that sweet treat to help us get through those tough days.  We may think we are making a conscious decision, but what we are really doing is feeding our addiction.

So here is the thing…

Just because we are addicted to an emotion or condition does not mean it has to be that way forever. We can change it, with small incremental changes over time that are consistent and safe.  As teachers, it is helpful to view behaviors from this perspective as it makes it easier to be compassionate when a child is creating chaos and havoc in the room.  This does not mean that we ignore the behaviors when we see them, it simply means we approach them differently.

This takes great amounts of compassion, kindness, understanding, acceptance, patience, and love.  And, I am not talking about what you give to the students.  I AM talking about what you give to yourself.  If you want to really be there for another, if you want to really make a positive difference in the world, you must first be addicted to love, compassion, understanding, acceptance, and patience.  Only then will you be able to stand in front of another who has an addiction to an emotion or feeling that is depleting and draining and hold the space for that person to heal, grow, and find a more supportive addiction.

If you are wondering what you are addicted to, look around your classroom. Look around your life. What sort of repeating situations and patterns do you find yourself experiencing? What are your behaviors? What does your mind go to when you aren’t paying attention to your thoughts?

Many teachers will find they are addicted to emotions they would not consciously choose to be addicted to, like stress, anxiety, and frustration. Never fear! There is hope. A good first step is to simply NOTICE what you are addicted to, then begin making small, incremental changes to shift into a more productive, renewing emotion. According to research conducted by the Institute of Heartmath the easiest renewing emotion to generate is appreciation or gratitude. When you choose to make a shift from a draining or depleting emotion to something else, I invite you to choose gratitude. The catch is you actually have to FEEL it, not just THINK about it.

 With Love,

Kathy Mcginn