Kathy McGinn
Advocating for Playful Engagement to Encourage ...
Advocating for Playful Engagement to Encourage Parental Collaboration
Kathy McGinn
The Stories We Tell Ourselves

Mid-April I got the call.  “He is in jail,” my 85 year old uncle told me.  Relief washed through my body in a palpable way.  I had no idea how much I had been holding onto this constant dull level of fear/lack of safety until it was gone.  My 50 year old cousin had violated a protective order back in January, had been in front of a judge for pre-trial conferences, and let out on bond until his trial.  Then he picked up a new charge for resisting arrest in a different county and the his bond was revoked at his next pre-trial conference.  He was immediately incarcerated, and would be there for at least 30 days.  

The Stories We Tell Ourselves
Kathy McGinn
Finding Grace
Finding Grace
Kathy McGinn
How Do You Show Up?
How Do You Show Up?
Kathy McGinn
Are you living below the line or above the line?
Are you living below the line or above the line?

dysregulated

Finding Grace

When you are well regulated, when you are coming from a coherent heart, it is much easier to have compassion for THAT student.  You know who I am talking about… the one who pushes your buttons and drains your inner battery.  The one who you can’t stop thinking about or venting about.  The one who might be the hardest to love, yet you know is also the one who needs it the most. 

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 Here is the thing, and it might be hard to swallow.  The outcome of your day is NOT about them.  It is about YOU.  Just like their behavior is an expression of their inner struggle, the outcome of your day is a product of your inner struggles and your responses to the experiences and challenges of your day.

The challenging students you teach each day likely did not wake up and plan their day thinking, “I can hardly wait to get to school and torture my teacher all day!”  More likely the opposite is true.  When those students are acting out, checking out, or generally being a thorn in your side, it is not about you.  It is about whatever it is that is going on inside of their minds, bodies, and emotions.  It only becomes about you if you react to what they are doing and take it personally.

All behavior is communication and frequently that “communication” can frustrate, exhaust, and/or drain you.  When this happens, it is a red flag that you have become dysregulated.  It is a signal that you are no longer operating from a coherent heart/brain state, and you are no longer utilizing your full executive functioning skills and talents.  In other words, you are more likely to get drawn into the child’s emotional state and escalate the situation even further.  Or, you might be able to maintain your energy while working with that child, but you take it home with you, replaying the incident over and over in your mind.  Which by the way, also causes you to re-experience all of the same stress hormones all over again…each time you replay the scene or talk about it.  Mind you, I am not judging you for getting caught up in this cycle.  I often get caught up in it myself.  Then, sooner or later, I remember that the actions of that student are an expression of his internal state of being and that is about him.  My reaction to that student’s expressions are about ME.  It happens to all of us. After all, last time I checked, we were all human.

So, what can you do about it?  How can you move from the stress cycle to Grace?  


 Remember, the moment you become triggered by another person’s actions, your stress cycle has kicked in and you are becoming dysregulated.  The moment you become dysregulated, you begin to lose the ability to remain detached from the situation.  It becomes harder to step back from the outward effects of that other person’s inward struggles, and remember that it is not personal.  Finding Grace is learning to love with detachment from the outcome, which is easier to do if you are well regulated and have a large capacity for resilience.  So, the key is to build your capacity to stay well regulated, even in the face of adversity.  

There are numerous pathways to achieving this, however, they all have something in common.  You must PRACTICE the art of resilience building every day.  If you truly want to see change in your life, it is not just about “bouncing back quickly” after a stressful event, it is also creating the inner state of being so you don’t get triggered in the first place. 

That kind of inner state does not just happen, and it doesn’t happen overnight when it does happen.  It happens through consistent practice every single day.  It is a way of life, not a fix for a problem.  One of the easiest things you can do is to take long, slow, deep breaths regularly throughout your day.  When trying to start a new habit, it is helpful to attach that new habit, deep breathing, to things you do on a regular basis throughout your day.  Perhaps you could take a deep breath every time you wash your hands, visit the bathroom, take a drink, buckle your seat belt, or sit at a stoplight.  I mean, you have to breathe anyway right?  It’s not like you are adding something new onto your already too full plate.  

Dr. Bruce Perry has shared with us that our brains love to learn through stories.  We are also more likely to learn something or remember something if a friend tells us rather than a stranger.  With that in mind, I am reminded of one of my favorite books, and one that is a quick and simple read.  It is “Three Deep Breaths: Finding Power and Purpose in a Stressed-Out World ” , by Thomas Crum.  I actually met him at a weekend seminar several years ago, he was one of many speakers that weekend, but he was one of the better ones in my humble opinion.  So of course, I bought his book and got it signed like a true groupie.  I truly enjoyed the story in the book and learned a few tips to use in my life along the way.  Sometimes the most powerful stories and truths are packaged in the smallest of books.  I highly recommend it!



From my coherent heart to yours,

Kathy McGinn